Since returning from Malawi, I find myself in constant state of tension and internal conflict. For some reason, the transition home has been more difficult than I had anticipated or have experienced before. It is not at all a longing to be somewhere I am not or a disdain for where I am.

The more I ponder it, the more I realize it is a longing to live into some of the new things I learned from the people I am blessed now to call friend. It’s a longing to hold on to the rhythm of life I was welcomed into very generously by the Oliver family. I’m also discovering how difficult it’s been to practice some of this stuff.

In the midst of it, I am overly sensitive, lacking in patience, frustrated, skeptical, exhausted and, at times, unkind. So much of me just wants to sit on my couch after work or at a coffee table all by myself at Fido, reading, writing and wrestling. I laugh at myself constantly, struggling to understand what this is all about… is life for real right now? really!?

Anyway, with that as the backdrop, this week I went through one of the most intense moments of tension I have experienced with anyone. Everything in me wanted to avoid it, but love would not let me go. I am thankful.

Her tears and honesty were like being drenched once again in the waters of baptism. I was kicking, at moments I felt like I was going to drown, and, before I knew it, something new was born in a friendship that is so much like home for me.

Since coming out of that, the song below has been constantly playing in my head. My journey with my friend is a glimpse of what is possible at the end of the greater tensions I feel at this particular moment in time. Her heart and her phone calls were a glimpse of the unrelenting heart of God whose love will not let me go.

Grace.

Soon it will be a passing note to a beautiful beautiful chord.

I am thankful.

Tension is a Passing Note
by: Sixpence None The Richer

do I murder
when I forget you from afar
too drunk on the poison of endless roads
and the countless smokey bars

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

do I murder us
putting pavement in my veins
shooting in special heroin
for the seeking and displaced

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful

tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

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