I could not believe I had just said that out loud.

It was followed by, “I hit the wrong button at check-in and now I am in the wrong seat. I am not supposed to be here,” noticing for the first time, FIRST TIME and I checked in an hour early, I had a first class ticket.

As “here” rolled off of my tongue, tears began to roll down my face. From the look on the flight attendant’s face, I must have been the first person to cry because she landed in a first class seat.

Seeing my tears and hearing the desperation in my voice, they tried to work something out for me to sit with the majority of people on the plane and bid farewell to the select few. I was all out of sorts, and we really tried hard to figure out a solution within 5-minutes.

It wasn’t going to happen.

The cards were stacked against me. A series of unfortunate events landed me a first class seat on a two and a half hour flight.

After sending my last, “Can you believe this!” text to dad and email to Ciona who is in Malawi, I turned off my phone, giggled a bit and decided to allow my body to be comforted by the spacious leather seat by the window that was all mine for the next couple of hours.

Breathe, breathe deeply.

I slept the entire flight. I don’t remember the plane taking off and I barely remember the landing to be honest. Nice. First time for everything, though I wish that first time had been when I crossed the ocean for South Africa in March instead of Charlotte, NC.

And so it goes.

I am learning not everything is going to workout the way I need or want it to, no matter how large the tears are or the extent of my bark. In the moments when I stop fighting it and just accept it, those are usually the moments I realize how emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted I really am.

It is time to rest.

Rest gives me the energy to tap into the deep well of love created within me to imagine another way, work towards it, cry, create new things, love, break and fight another day.

Rest is a good thing.

It is 3 am Eastern Standard Time as I write this blog, and I just got a text from a friend asking if I was in NYC. A little back and forth via text and he closed by saying,

“Your depth of suffering will only be matched by your height of love. There will be a new day and light will arise.”