Processed with VSCOcam with t1 presetyesterday was a  beautiful day.

yellows kept popping out at me. it was a 70 plus degree tuesday in february. most of it I received driving around houston getting supplies for a work event this weekend. I think that new pharrell song came on like every 30-minutes, along with beyoncé & jay Z.

happy & drunk in love.

pulled back into the parking lot at work an hour before heading home.  decided to call someone back for work and then bam!, within seconds I was reminded me that the broken record still must play amongst the new tunes of these days, grief still has the power to surprise me and I am still tender enough for the wound to bleed.

“hello”

“lanecia! Thanks for calling me back. So are we good and pregnant now?”

and it played… telling the easy on the listener story of Dec. 4 and throwing in words to ease her discomfort for the not knowing my new normal. it was kind for her to recognize the beauty of what was and want to celebrate with me before getting to business. I didn’t even curse in my head. I just turned the radio off, shared the news, worked to dispel the awkwardness for the remainder of the call and turned off the radio.

once I was back in the safety of my office, I picked up the phone and started calling.  no tears, just a great need to connect with someone I could expose the wound to.

I needed to talk to someone who would simply acknowledge I was bleeding and that it sucked. As I dialed I literally starting praying that the person who picked up the phone would simply listen and say “that sucks, lanecia. sorry.”  I did not need laughter, did not need a brush over, did not need discomfort that I would have to work to make more comfortable, did not need silence… I needed someone, other than Cleve, to say I know you are hurting, angry and I am sorry it just sucks.

the first conversation was a brush over, moving on.

the second conversation was met with silence, don’t think they could really hear or understand what I was saying.

I stopped and decided since it was obvious I could not control the responses of the hearer I needed to be still and really think through my phone list.

who had the most potential of giving me the response I needed in that particular moment?

called 3 people who did not answer. took yet another quick deep pause, and a name came to mind that was just right. I called, she answered and she loved me how I needed to be loved in that moment.  each moment is different.  I really feel for the people who love me these days, because I  am sure at times they may feel like they are walking on egg shells not really sure what part of the grieving cycle I may be at in that minute.

but, my friend was just herself and that is what I needed. she helped me put the band-aid back on so I could finish up at work and call it a day.  it was good.   I hung up the phone, finished my work, packed up my stuff, headed home with a box of cookie heaven from my mother and settled in on my couch for the evening.

had every intention of going to the gym with Cleve for the first time since December 4 yesterday, but it did not happen. I just needed to sit by the open window as the sunlight began to fade away to dark, with my coffee and my little piece of heaven sent by my mother.

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